- Being a Cancer means never having to apologize for your rampant emotions or that gas station attendant you kidnapped.
- Cancers are always crying because we like to use our tears as lube!
- When singing harmony, Cancers NEVER sing a third below.
- Cancer men wipe their butts from front to back. Cancer women are the same but only if they are right-handed.
- Cancers are super intuitive: they can tell when you're mad, sad, and when you're hating yourself for embarrassing yourself in algebra class 20 years ago.
- When in the right altitude, Cancer men have 12 foot cocks.
- At sea level, Cancer women's clits glow in the dark.
- If a Cancer likes you, they will bury themselves in the sand. If they love you, they will commit seppuku.
- Cancers value loyalty and great cuticles in friendships.
- OJ Simpson is a Cancer so there's absolutely no way he is guilty.
Read it in the print edition!
It seems that Melissa McCarthy’s invitation to join The Gilmore Girls’ Netflix revival got lost in the mail! While we’re sending out more invites to be on the show, I think it’d be wise to consider other performers, too!
The way I see it, there’s only one way writer and creator Amy Sherman-Palladino can make up for the travesty that was The Gilmore Girls’ final season: by casting sexy pornstars as some of the Gilmores’ new friends! Here are my suggestions:
One character that will truly be missed is the family patriarch, Richard Gilmore who was played by Edward Herrmann. Herrmann recently passed on to the big country club in the sky, leaving Emily Gilmore as his onscreen widow. Naturally, Emily will need a new love interest to fill the void and nobody is better at filling voids than Lexington Steele!
Paris Geller and her boyfriend Doyle, were the ultimate geeky power couple. Obviously, they’ll be parents in this new season and with their busy schedules they’ll definitely need a nanny! Jynx is an expert in cleaning up spit and other bodily fluids and would make the perfect au pair for the Geller clan.
It’s no secret that Sherman-Palladino’s witty dialogue can be quite the mouthful. As a star of many dirty movies, Alexis Texas has had a lot of experience having her mouth full and would be a terrific asset to the show!
Lorelai always had Sookie St. James’ shoulder to cry on. With Melissa McCarthy being such a major film star now, it’s doubtful that she’ll return as Lorelai’s BFF. Lisa Ann’s hefty bosom would be a terrific substitute for Lorelai to cry into.
Sure, Rory could end up being with bad-boy Jess Mariano, but that would almost be TOO perfect. The new season will need some drama and nothing is more dramatic than a new love interest. Having handled many girls at the same time, Erik Everhard is no stranger to drama and would make a great mate for Rory.
Whatever happens in this new revival of The Gilmore Girls, I’m sure it will be extremely satisfying - as long as it features hot, half-naked porn stars. And of course, LOTS of coffee!
"Never take anything that you can't fit in your butt." - my dad, Eduardo Refugia.
2015 was a boring year for Kathy Bates. Known for playing fierce historical bitches like Molly Brown and Gertrude Stein, Queen Bates was nowhere to be seen this year and I am simply beside myself. As Iris the hotel manager in AHS: Hotel, Kathy was a whole lotta BLAH! Where were the gripping and hilarious one-liners delivered out of her dismembered head?! Where was the knee-cap busting broad with the stunning beard and choppy haircut?! What happened, Kathy Bates? I believe in you, girl. 2016 is gonna be your year - as long as you play these 5 hypothetical roles in films/shows for which I have no script or ANY means of producing.
1. A polygamous, butch lesbian sugar mommy.
KB rarely gets to play sexual predator-types. Let's make that happen! Maybe we can write her a part in Transparent - that could be fun! She could wear lots of leather and say things like, "Give ya momma all that salt and you ain't gonna get any of her sugar!" and "You see, p*ssy is like a buffet - you gotta eat all you can eat!"
2. A pirate queen of the Bermuda Triangle.
Lady Bates is a real treat to watch when she's playing the bad guy and she looks AMAZING in period costumes. Johnny D. should sit the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie out! With an ass as thick as her Bermudian accent, Kathy would make a great evil swashbuckless of the high seas!
3. An ex-female wrestler who's lookin' for love in her golden years.
The late Peter O'Toole taught us that you're never too old to play a romantic lead! Picture this: Kathy's brassy-yet-sweet character has spent her whole life being a successful wrestling star and now that her career is over, she finally has time to focus on her ~~love life~~. But who will she pick? Her charming physical therapist (Channing Tatum)? Her manager's brother (Idris Elba)? Or her HVAC repairman (David Beckham)?
4. A tollbooth worker addicted to plastic surgery.
I'm sure Kathy's Academy Award for Misery is getting lonely sittin' on her mantle all by itself! Everyone knows the key to winning an Oscar is playing a character that requires severe prosthetic makeup which is why a lonely lady with a face full of silicone would be a perfect vehicle for Kathy's road to awardville!!!
5. Steven Avery's dad.
It's never too early to start planning the movie adaptation of Making a Murderer! With her versatility and beard-appropriate face, Kathy is a shoo-in for the role of Papa Avery. Nobody could pull off his Midwestern, husky growl and waddling gate like Bates can - not even Al Avery himself!
Hey Kathy! You know what they say - "New year, new you!" Show 'em whatcha got girl!