2015 was a boring year for Kathy Bates. Known for playing fierce historical bitches like Molly Brown and Gertrude Stein, Queen Bates was nowhere to be seen this year and I am simply beside myself. As Iris the hotel manager in AHS: Hotel, Kathy was a whole lotta BLAH! Where were the gripping and hilarious one-liners delivered out of her dismembered head?! Where was the knee-cap busting broad with the stunning beard and choppy haircut?! What happened, Kathy Bates? I believe in you, girl. 2016 is gonna be your year - as long as you play these 5 hypothetical roles in films/shows for which I have no script or ANY means of producing.
1. A polygamous, butch lesbian sugar mommy.
KB rarely gets to play sexual predator-types. Let's make that happen! Maybe we can write her a part in Transparent - that could be fun! She could wear lots of leather and say things like, "Give ya momma all that salt and you ain't gonna get any of her sugar!" and "You see, p*ssy is like a buffet - you gotta eat all you can eat!"
2. A pirate queen of the Bermuda Triangle.
Lady Bates is a real treat to watch when she's playing the bad guy and she looks AMAZING in period costumes. Johnny D. should sit the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie out! With an ass as thick as her Bermudian accent, Kathy would make a great evil swashbuckless of the high seas!
3. An ex-female wrestler who's lookin' for love in her golden years.
The late Peter O'Toole taught us that you're never too old to play a romantic lead! Picture this: Kathy's brassy-yet-sweet character has spent her whole life being a successful wrestling star and now that her career is over, she finally has time to focus on her ~~love life~~. But who will she pick? Her charming physical therapist (Channing Tatum)? Her manager's brother (Idris Elba)? Or her HVAC repairman (David Beckham)?
4. A tollbooth worker addicted to plastic surgery.
I'm sure Kathy's Academy Award for Misery is getting lonely sittin' on her mantle all by itself! Everyone knows the key to winning an Oscar is playing a character that requires severe prosthetic makeup which is why a lonely lady with a face full of silicone would be a perfect vehicle for Kathy's road to awardville!!!
5. Steven Avery's dad.
It's never too early to start planning the movie adaptation of Making a Murderer! With her versatility and beard-appropriate face, Kathy is a shoo-in for the role of Papa Avery. Nobody could pull off his Midwestern, husky growl and waddling gate like Bates can - not even Al Avery himself!
Hey Kathy! You know what they say - "New year, new you!" Show 'em whatcha got girl!