by Madonna Refugia
Mr. and Mrs. Greg Bernadino of Sussex, NJ welcomed a brand-new spleen on June 21, 2015. New mother, Lydia Bernadino was happily surprised to find one of her organs in the crotch of her Lululemon running pants after squeezing into her state of the art waist trainer.
“I bought a waist trainer off of this very svelte Latina girl on Instagram, hoping that it would help me shed a few inches around my waist,” Mrs. Bernadino said. “I knew that waist trainers helped you lose weight fast - but I didn’t think it would be that fast!”
For five agonizing years, the couple tried to have a child of their own. “We tried everything from in vitro to non-missionary style sex,” said Mrs. Bernadino as she breastfed what used to be her body’s blood filter, which was now wearing a floral print onesie.
“Greg and I believed in having babies the old fashioned way - my mother always said, ‘If it doesn’t come out of your vagina, it’s NOT your kid,’ - so adoption and surrogates were out of the question.”
“I’d like to say we got ‘lucky,’ but that would insinuate that there was witchcraft involved in all of this,” said Mr. Bernadino. “I think we have society’s expectations on what women should look like to thank for our little one,” said Mrs. Bernadino. “If I hadn’t felt pressured to have a waist like Iggy Azalea’s, I would never have bought that waist trainer and we never would have had Amelia.”
The happy couple have decided to name the spleen after Greg’s great-great-great grand-liver born in 1892 after a corset incident. “My great-great-great grand-liver, Amelia was an upstanding organ,” Mr. Bernadino said while lovingly cleaning mucus off of Amelia’s would-be chin. “We want our Amelia to follow in her footsteps. ”
Despite being deprived of a critical internal organ, Mrs. Bernadino is doing well and feels minimal decline in her health. “Since Amelia arrived, I’ve had about twenty-eight infections but that’s about it,” Mrs. Bernadino said as she swallowed her fourth antibiotic of the day. “What I lost in antibodies, I gained in a daughter!”
Originally published on June 23, 2015 - notthatmadonna.tumblr.com