Check it out in the Reductress print edition!
by Madonna Refugia
It’s a fact: make up sex is way better than just regular sex. It’s more passionate, sweaty and even a little athletic! But you can’t have a post-fight hump sesh without first having a lovers’ quarrel -- and the bigger the fight, the better the boink-fest. Here are eight topics to bring up that are sure to get your man’s blood pumping and his knob throbbing.
1. His stinky balls. - Guys are really insecure when it comes to their junk and it gets them riled up whenever their scent is insulted. Make him angry by telling him his nads smell like something gross - like dirt or rotting deer carcasses!
2. His failing career. - Men like being providers and will work hard to make their woman feel secure. Whether he’s a grill cook at TGIFriday’s or a neurosurgeon, throw a few jabs at his “lack of focus and drive” or his “inability to get a better job” and he’ll be worshipping your mound in no time flat.
3. The end of LOST. - There are two types of people in the world: the ones that hated the end of LOST and the ones that loved it. Find out which one your bae is and be the opposite of that. He’ll get so pissed - his dick will go through you like a big smoke monster!
4. His hot brother/best friend/dad/coworker. - This one is a no-brainer. Pick the ugliest person your man associates with and gush about how hot he is. It’s a white lie that will lead to RED hot muffin stuffin’!
5. The girl he had a crush on in the 3rd grade.
Step 1. Get his iPhone passcode.
Step 2. Alter his search history to make it look like he’s been searching for girl he had a crush on when he was 8 years-old.
Step 3. Watch the sparks fly.
Optional: Make his search history look like he was trying to hook-up with actual 8 year-olds.
6. His lack of commitment. - Even if you don’t want to get engaged any time soon, it’s important to consistently put the pressure on your fella to put a ring on it. Pressure creates lots of stress and the only way he’ll be able to relieve himself is by porking you into oblivion.
7. His wandering eye. - The “I saw you checking out another girl” fight is so 2012. Kick it up a notch by accusing him of checking out his own mother.
8. How he never remembers your Taco Bell order. - Use caution when using this topic. This has been known to end relationships indefinitely - with no hope of make up sex ever. However, when done properly, this argument can lead to the most mind-blowing, earth-shattering, pussy-quivering sex of your life.
Life’s too short to have passionless sex. Get in a fight with your man so that you can quickly bury the hatchet...into your vagina.
- “So what if I’m an ice queen? Pour some whiskey on me and lets have some fun.”
- “I’m the opposite of Cinderella: I went from riches to riches.”
- “Rome wasn’t built in a day - but that’s because Rome wasn’t married to a plastic surgeon.”
- “I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but at least I’m the richest.”
- “Emotionally destructive sex is my cardio and I’m ready to sweat.”
- “I’m no chef. But when it comes to cooking up drama, I’m like Bobby Flay.”
- “I’m a CEO on the streets and between the sheets!”
- “Money is the only thing raining on my parade!”
- “I don’t get blackout drunk, I get blackout fabulous.”
- “I don’t need plastic surgery. Plastic surgery needs me.”
- “I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to make business partners.”
- “When life gave me lemons, I made sangria. Bottoms up!”
by Madonna Refugia
Mr. and Mrs. Greg Bernadino of Sussex, NJ welcomed a brand-new spleen on June 21, 2015. New mother, Lydia Bernadino was happily surprised to find one of her organs in the crotch of her Lululemon running pants after squeezing into her state of the art waist trainer.
“I bought a waist trainer off of this very svelte Latina girl on Instagram, hoping that it would help me shed a few inches around my waist,” Mrs. Bernadino said. “I knew that waist trainers helped you lose weight fast - but I didn’t think it would be that fast!”
For five agonizing years, the couple tried to have a child of their own. “We tried everything from in vitro to non-missionary style sex,” said Mrs. Bernadino as she breastfed what used to be her body’s blood filter, which was now wearing a floral print onesie.
“Greg and I believed in having babies the old fashioned way - my mother always said, ‘If it doesn’t come out of your vagina, it’s NOT your kid,’ - so adoption and surrogates were out of the question.”
“I’d like to say we got ‘lucky,’ but that would insinuate that there was witchcraft involved in all of this,” said Mr. Bernadino. “I think we have society’s expectations on what women should look like to thank for our little one,” said Mrs. Bernadino. “If I hadn’t felt pressured to have a waist like Iggy Azalea’s, I would never have bought that waist trainer and we never would have had Amelia.”
The happy couple have decided to name the spleen after Greg’s great-great-great grand-liver born in 1892 after a corset incident. “My great-great-great grand-liver, Amelia was an upstanding organ,” Mr. Bernadino said while lovingly cleaning mucus off of Amelia’s would-be chin. “We want our Amelia to follow in her footsteps. ”
Despite being deprived of a critical internal organ, Mrs. Bernadino is doing well and feels minimal decline in her health. “Since Amelia arrived, I’ve had about twenty-eight infections but that’s about it,” Mrs. Bernadino said as she swallowed her fourth antibiotic of the day. “What I lost in antibodies, I gained in a daughter!”
Originally published on June 23, 2015 - notthatmadonna.tumblr.com